Loneliness: friend or foe?

Some of us know what its like to go through life with loneliness echoing around us like a distant bell. It seems to never leave us, in spite of times when we can almost forget it's there. Or we may have little experience of this particular suffering, until loss or grief or trauma knocks at our door. Then we can forget what our lives were like 'before' this unwelcome guest arrived. Or we may appear to have everything; close family, good friends, fulfilling work, and a happy disposition, only for others to discover with astonishment that we are on first-name terms with this unlikely bedfellow.

Is there an answer? Should we find a way of overcoming, of locking loneliness out? Well, first of all, I think it can be a useful warning sign. A sign that we need to change something; that we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable by communicating honestly with another human being, or that we are in the wrong relationship, or that we need to get out more and meet people in places where we can really be ourselves. But if there is no change that can be made, no different turning that should be taken, what do we do then?

Well, here's a counter-intuitive thought, long advocated by some ancient eastern spiritual traditions: Try not to resist it.

Resisting it just makes it stronger, knock harder on the door, bellow loudly and attempt to break in. Instead, offer it a cup of tea, however uncomfortable it makes you feel, however badly it treats your house. As you befriend it - or at least fully accept it - its power actually weakens. Eventually it will wander off, bored. It may take a while, a long time even, but it does seem to go. And by then, you might not even notice it leave. And even if it does decide to take up permanent residency in your life, it is no longer quite the aching presence it once was.

Many of my stories explore loneliness. The Thaw and The Forgotten Garden and Shop of Curiosities, in particular. Happily, loneliness is no longer a constant companion for me. But I daresay one day it will come knocking again, and then I can take the opportunity to practise offering hospitality, instead of a loaded gun.